Modern Family episode- The Bully
by Jonathan Navi
Summary: I am writing a season of Modern Family. The following episode is called "The Bully." Enjoy and please provide feedback!


**Modern Family episode: The Bully**

GLORIA: (looking angry) Ok, I have had ENOUGHHHH! I cannot ehstand it FOR ONE MORE SECON!

JAY: (breathing out heavily) Lily?

(Camera pans to Gloria's extremely angry face)

(INTERVIEW STARTS)

JAY: Gloria has been having…some problems with one particular member of our extended family.

(FLASHBACK STARTS)

(Lily knocks past Gloria pushing her out of the way)

LILY: Get out of my way old lady. (giving her one last shove prior to walking past her)

(Gloria turns around and looks furious at Lily, but doesn't say or do anything)

(NEXT FLASHBACK STARTS)

(Lily is sitting on a couch with Gloria, watching TV together)

LILY: Do you know that woman? (pointing at the TV)

GLORIA: (getting nervous turning to Lily) Which wooooman?

LILY: (rolling her eyes) The one with the white hair.

GLORIA: Who, Betty Whiiite? No, of course I do not know her, she is a famous actress and she is like 70.

LILY: So what. Aren't you that age.

(Gloria starts to chew on her finger nails nervously)

GLORIA: (now staring at the TV and avoiding Lily's gaze and says indignantly) For your information, I AM fort-…(changes her mind). thirty one years old.

LILY: (confidently) Sure. (crosses her legs confidently)

(Gloria turns to stare angrily at Lily, returns to look at the TV screen and starts chewing down on her fingernails even harder)

(THIRD FLASHBACK STARTS)

(Lily is trying to tie her shoes but keeps messing up the loops)

GLORIA: (looking down at her with a big smile on her face) Having ehtrouble tying your shoes little baby Lily (in a bullying condescending tone)?

LILY: (looks up, stares at her and says) Your roots are grey.

(Lily walks away)

(Gloria nervously touches the roots of her hair and then she starts to nervously chomp down on her fingernails)

(Back to present day)

(Jay is outside the bathroom talking to Gloria who is inside)

JAY: (consoling) Gloria! She's just a little kid. She doesn't know any better.

(Pause)

JAY: Look, YOU'RE NOT OLD!

GLORIA: (she runs out of the bathroom up to Jay's face, camera zoomed in close to her face as she yells violently) SHE…..IS NOTHING… BUT A LITTLE BULLY! SHE DOES NOT KNOW NOTHING! EVERYTHING SHE SAYS …. IS EHWRONG!

(Camera pans outward and we see aluminum foil in Gloria's hair. Gloria runs back into the bathroom and starts to drop dabs of some chemical on the roots of her hair)

JAY: (turns his head away from her, breathes out heavily) Ah jeez….

(STARTING CREDITS BEGIN)

* * *

(Jay is in the street outside of a restaurant. Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily start walking to them, and they start to get excited and start waving)

MITCHELL: (excited and happy) Heyyyyy dad. First time in a long time you've just invited us out of the blue to a fancy restaurant.

CAMERON: (excited and happy) Yeah Jay, almost feels like you asked us out on a date!

(Jay had a look of anger and disgust)

CAMERON: (looks to the floor) Or not…..

JAY: (looking at Mitchell) Look, I was wondering if I could talk to you alone for just a second before we go in for lunch. (turning to Lily) Lily, dear, could you go with your daddy Cameron to the fun little parking meter over there so I can talk to your other daddy Mitchell?

LILY: Whatever old timer…. (she and Cam walk away)

(Jay looks at her with loathing and disgust)

MITCHELL: Dad, I know. You don't even have to say it. (seeing Jay's face fomenting)

JAY: (yelling each word slowly) THAT GIRL- IS THE DEVIL! (Jay starts to bite his nails)

(INTERVIEW STARTS)

MITCHELL: We've been noticing a bit of a problem with Lily.

CAMERON: You mean YOU'VE been noticing a problem. Because if you asked me, our little princess has no imperfections whatsoever.

MITCHELL: Oh really Cam?

CAMERON: (trying not to look at Mitchell) Really.

MITCHELL: (looking into the camera) Ask Cam what happened to his ribbon twirling trophy.

CAMERON: (trying not to look at Mitchell) Nothing happened. It just got broke, das all (in a southern accent).

MITCHELL: "Just got broke" huh? (mocking) So, did one of our pet billy goats happen to toss it to the ground? Did the roosters and the chickens get at it?

CAMERON: (trying not to look at Mitchell) Shows what you know. Saying "roosters and chickens" is just redundant because roosters are chickens.

MITCHELL: (puts his hand to his forehead and shakes his head) (breaths out loudly)

(FLASHBACK BEGINS)

(Lily is looking at Cameron's old trophies and she picks up one of the small ones)

LILY: What is this trophy for?

CAMERON: (proudly) Well Lily, Daddy got that trophy for his spectacular performance in ribbon twirling.

LILY: (looking confused) What's ribbon twirling?

CAMERON: (Cameron starts to dance around pretending to twirl imaginary ribbons) 3 minutes and 40 seconds of pure ribblistic ecstasy! Yellow and pink ribbons floating, TWIRLING THROUGH THE ROOM! Cyndi Lauper music poring through the air! (singing) "GIRLSSSS, JUST WANNA HAVE-" (Lily smashes the trophy on the floor) LILY NOOOO!

LILY: Ribbons are stupid.

(Lily walks away)

(Cameron gets emotionally overwhelmed, picks up the pieces of the trophy, sits down on the coach quickly, puts his head down over the trophy pieces, and then starts chewing down on his fingernails)

(Mitchell can be seen in the background shaking his head)

(BACK TO PRESENT DAY)

(Jay, Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily are in the restaurant looking at the menus)

MITCHELL: (excited) Oh, all these dishes look so good, right Lily?

(Lily shrugs her shoulders)

MITCHELL: Ooooo, how about this Basil pasta parmesan, that looks good doesn't it? Ooooo, and you can get those cute little bowtie pastas that you like, right?

LILY: I don't like bowties anymore. Bowties are for losers.

(camera pans to Mitchell and focuses in on the bowtie that Mitchell is wearing)

MITCHELL: (looking hurt) Well honey, actually that's not very nice because…because Daddy is wearing a bowtie right now, and saying "bowties are for losers" would be like telling Daddy that "Daddy is a loser." And I'm sure you wouldn't want to say that, right?

LILY: (looking straight at Mitchell) Bowties. Are. For Losers. Do you need a q-tip? (she goes back to looking at her menu)

(Awkward silence)

MITCHELL: ok…OK….. (he turns his face around, looks almost ready to cry, and starts to nibble on his fingernails)

(A waiter suddenly comes over)

WAITER: So what will you be ordering today?

LILY: I'll have the rib-eye steak. Extra bloody. (she aggressively drops the menu onto the table)

CAMERON: (frightened) Ohh!

JAY: Ah jeez….

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Scene starts in Claire's house, Haley and Alex are fighting, while Luke, Phil, and Claire are looking on)

HALEY: Oh my god, you are such a loser!

ALEX: I'm sorry, but maybe I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year ok.

HALEY: Yeah, because you're a loser.

PHIL: (in shock) Whaaaaaaaat? Not celebrate your birthday? That would be like….(stuck in thought)

(Camera pans out and Phil is still motionless, stuck in thought)

LUKE: (looking panicked) Oh no! Dad is stuck in a thought loop again. It's just like in the movie Inception. (yelling slowly) DAD, YOU. ARE. NOT. IN. A. DREAM! YOU-ARE-AWAKE. (Phil doesn't move) … HALEY-AND-ALEX-WANT-TO-START-A-TRAVELING-MAGIC-ACT-CALLED-DUNPHY'S MAGIC LADIES!

PHIL: (awakens) Whaaaaattt, you do? (shakes his head to become fully awake, then looks at Luke)

PHIL: (very seriously) Good job on the dream anchor phrase Luke…. I almost went in too far this time.

LUKE: I was sweating dad. We almost lost you.

CLAIRE: (looking irritated, looks up to the ceiling then down and pouts her lips) Yep. Not close enough if you ask me.

(INTERVIEW STARTS)

ALEX: Everyone has been trying to get me to have a big birthday party for my 21st birthday. They think 21 is a really big deal cuz that's the day you can finally drink legally, gamble, and generally consider yourself to be a grown up. Well. I have news for you. (with attitude) Having grown up with screw-ups like Haley, Luke, and Dad all my life, I've been pretty much grown up since I was 6 years old.

(FLASHBACK STARTS)

SLIGHTLY YOUNGER PHIL: (running while holding scissors) Luke, I've got some new toys for you to play with!

6 YEAR OLD ALEX: (stepping in front of Phil) No. No running wif scissors.

SLIGHTLY YOUNGER PHIL: (looking put off, handing the scissors to Alex) Ah man…

(FLASHBACK STARTS)

SLIGHTLY YOUNGER PHIL: (smiling) Oh yeah Haley sweety, you can absolutely go bike riding with that boy. (waving at Haley who is not on camera)

6 YEAR OLD ALEX: (out of camera view) No bike riding wif high school boys. (then Alex comes into view pulling in a 9 year old Haley back into the house)

(BACK TO PRESENT DAY)

ALEX: Look, I just want a relaxed day where I can sit, read, and collect my thoughts about my journey into adulthood.

HALEY: (scared) Dad, what is she talking about?!

PHIL: Alex, you know I love you, but its an unofficial Dunphy tradition that birthdays are the only time that Mommy lets me blast the stereo and do the birthday Macarena.

HALEY: Yeah, and it's the only time that you can get totally wasted and everyone thinks its ok.

CLAIRE: (pursing her lips) No. Nope. Not everyone.

LUKE: Wait, if Alex is turning 21 and I go to her birthday party, does that mean I can drink too?

PHIL: Sure can buddy!

LUKE: Yeah! (high fives Phil)

CLAIRE: (pursing her lips) No. Nope. (raising her voice) No one will be drinking at this party! There will be cake. There will be pizza. There will be light music- (seeing the excitement on Phil's face) withOUT the Macarena (Phil's face drops). And we will have good clean family fun.

ALEX: (folding her arms) Well you can put a party together, but I won't be attending.

CLAIRE: Well that's fine sweety (smiling unnaturally). You'll just be our little hunchback in the bell tower this birthday.

CLAIRE: Phil, go call Gloria and Jay and invite them over. Oh and also call Cam, Mitchell, and Lily.

(Phil's suddenly grips his plastic solo cup of soda too hard and it splashes on the floor and onto Haley)

HALEY: Ahhh! My shirt!

PHIL: (turning to Claire with terror etched on his face) Lily too?

(INTERVIEW STARTS)

CLAIRE: Phil has had a few run ins with our precious Lily…or should I say our formerly precious Lily.

(FLASHBACK)

(Phil is in front of Luke and Lily with a deck of playing cards)

PHIL: And for my next trick, I'm going to do Luke's all-time favorite.

LUKE: It's true. It'll blow your mind. Sometimes…..I think Dad might actually BE magical after seeing this trick.

PHIL: Pick a card Luke and put it back in the deck anywhere you want it while I keep my eyes closed.

(Luke picks one and puts it back in the deck)

PHIL: Alright, as I don't know where you've placed your card in the deck, I am gonna take the extra step of shuffling them even more just to make it COMPLETELY impossible for me to find your card. (he shuffles the deck)

PHIL: Anddddddd…you're card is! (he pulls a card from the top of the deck and says dramatically) The KING of HEARTS.

LUKE: Holy Slytherin you've done it again!

PHIL: (Happy and smiling) Hey, 5 points from Hufflepuff for bad language like that.

LILY: Can I see the deck?

PHIL: (suddenly very uncomfortable and defensive) Umm…..no…..I…..I don't think that would be appropriate to ask a magician for his magic objects.

LILY: Oh alright….

LILY: (looking out the door) hey Grandpa Jay, cool mohawk!

PHIL: Whaaaaa- (Phil turns around to the door)

(Lily snatches the deck of cards from Phil)

LILY: Yep. Just what I thought. (she turns over the deck, spreading out the cards) They're all king of hearts.

(Lily drops the cards on the floor and walks away)

LUKE: (looking disillusioned and depressed, he hangs his head downward and says in a dramatic narration) And in that very moment….Luke Dunphy….stopped believing in magic…. (breathes out heavily)

PHIL: (looking furiously at the walking away Lily) You MONSTER… (he starts to chew on his finger nails)

(BACK TO PRESENT DAY)

ALEX: Oh, actually you know what? I think I've changed my mind. I do want to have a birthday party. And I'll even take care of calling Lily…..and Mitchell and Cameron right now to tell them to come over.

(Alex walks away to get the phone)

PHIL: (looking at Claire seriously) We CANNOT allow Lily back into our home.

CLAIRE: (exhausted) Oh common Phil, get over it.

PHIL: (raising his voice) Do you not remember what she did to our son and his magical innocence!?

LUKE: (looking confused) ….WHAT did she do to me?

PHIL: See that Claire! The boy is so traumatized that he's repressed the MEMORY.

LUKE: Memory?

(Luke is trying to remember and suddenly he gets stuck in thought. He stands in place stuck for 8 seconds)

PHIL: (panicking) Oh no! Luke is stuck in a thought loop now! Are you happy Claire?!

PHIL: (standing in front of Luke, holding his shoulders) Luke! (yelling slowly) YOU'RE-NOT-A-MUGGLE-LUKE-YOU'RE-A-WIZARD-AND-YOU'VE-JUST-BEEN-ACCEPTED-TO-HOGWARTS-SCHOOL-OF-WITCHCRAFT-AND-WIZARDRY.

LUKE: (shaking his head) Whoa. Thanks for rescuing me Dad.

LUKE: I went deeper into my mind than I've ever been before.

PHIL: Be careful buddy. The inner depths of a Dunphy mind is a dangerous place to be.

(Alex walks back into camera)

ALEX: All done. Cameron, Mitchell…..and Lily will be here in 2 hours.

PHIL: 2 hours!

ALEX: (looking at Phil) Better make this party good ….or else Lily might have some words with you.

PHIL: (pauses terrified for a few seconds and then he turns to Luke) There's only one solution for this Luke. We're going to need a Hello Kitty ice cream cake…and a LOT of Asian confetti.

CLAIRE: Yep, not racist at all….

LUKE: (looking serious) But dad…..there's only one place that has all of that and…. and we're not ALLOWED BACK THERE ANYMORE.

PHIL: (looking resigned) We have no choice son.

LUKE: You mean…..?

PHIL: Yep. Uncle Chan's Ice Cream Emporium.

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Scene starts in a gaudy ice cream store with rainbows decked on the sky blue walls, clouds painted on the ceiling, and a very perky overweight Asian man with an unusually wide smile manning the store. Two middle aged women wearing halter tops were getting their ice cream from him.)

UNCLE CHAN: Oh, 3 scoops of cake batter ice cream? You little divas! Are you two on your cheat day? Better go on an all kale diet for the rest of the week sweetie! I kid, you both look SPECTACULAR. I can't believe your husband dared cheat on you with that skank secretary of his. Ughhhhhh, anyway, toodles you two, I've got to get to the next paying customers.

(Uncle Chan finally sees Phil and Luke as they walk in. The scene is intense as they stare at one another with hatred)

UNCLE CHAN: (fiercely) I thought I told you you weren't allowed back here anymore.

PHIL: (over the top) Uncle Chan! This feud has to stop! Our families have both suffered for far too long for this to go on any longer!

UNCLE CHAN: Hmphf (throwing his hands up in the air). Not long enough if you ask me, and believe me (pause) I like my feuds long.

PHIL: (getting closer to Uncle Chan's face, starting to look confused) Ok, I don't know what that was a reference to.

UNCLE CHAN: Ha! You always were a slow one Dunphy. Probably why you could never beat me in the interregional semi-amateur magic competition and had to resort to getting me kicked out.

PHIL: (agitated) You have only yourself to blame Uncle Chan. You put those midgets in your sawbox against ISM rules and you paid the consequences!

LUKE: (looking confused) What's "ISM rules"?

UNCLE CHAN: Ha! Your son is just as slow as you Dunphy. No surprise there. (flitting laughter)

PHIL: (whispered very quickly to Luke) It means "International Standard Magic rules." Don't embarrass me son. Be my Ivanka, not my Tiffany.

UNCLE CHAN: There was no proof that I was using non-regulation midgets! And the International Magic Society only disqualified me because of your witness testimony, which by the way (singing/yelling) SHOULD HAVE MEANT BUBKISSSSS!

PHIL: (very seriously looking into Uncle Chan's eyes) I swore on that Merlin's beard that I would tell the magical truth, the magical whole truth, and NOTHING BUT the magical truth!

UNCLE CHAN: Hmphf, poppycock Dunphy. Poppycock.

LUKE: I think I got that reference dad.

PHIL: Stay quiet Luke.

UNCLE CHAN: (menacing) Soooooo, what brings you into my Ice Cream paradise? Not hoping to get any Ice Cream I hope.

(Phil paused and looked at him for 10 seconds)

PHIL: (yelling very loudly) I INVOKE THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGIC DUEL OF CONTRITION!

(A family who just walked into the store ran out upon hearing Phil yell)

(A look of shock appears on Uncle Chan's face)

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Uncle Chan, Phil, and Luke are on the street in front of his store at about 10 paces from one another)

LUKE: Dad, are you ready?

(Phil reaches out his right hand toward Luke's ear and pulls out a quarter from his ear)

PHIL: (showing Luke the quarter) What do you think?

LUKE: I'll be rooting for you dad.

PHIL: Thanks buddy. But do me a favor and keep this one on the down low. Your mother doesn't approve of magic street fighting.

LUKE: I will dad, just as long as you don't mention anything about me and Manny's street racing.

PHIL: Wait…what?

UNCLE CHAN: Well common now Dunphy! I don't have all day! Let's see your first trick.

PHIL: (walking forward, he starts taking deep breaths and mutters under his breath) Give me the power I need, I call upon David Blaine, David Copperfield, Harry Potter-

UNCLE CHAN: Let's gooooooo Dunphy, just like your crow's feet, I'm not GETTING any younger.

LUKE: (angry) Uncle Chan, you're just a bully!

UNCLE CHAN: Hmphf, a bully with the biggest set of magic balls out here. (pulling out of thin air two metal balls) These magic balls.

PHIL: Ok, I think got that one Uncle Chan.

UNCLE CHAN: Go on Dunphy!

PHIL: (turns to a woman passing by on the street) Hello ma'am, I am just a humble regional magician and was wondering if you could pick a card.

OLD WOMAN: (angry) I don't have time for silly magic tricks!

(The old woman walks away)

PHIL: Please! I beg of you! (moving in closer to her and speaking to her quietly and quickly) If I can't do this card trick, I'll never be able to stand up to my nemesis Uncle Chan, nor my other nemesis Lily, who by the way is only a nine year old Vietnamese girl and maybe shouldn't be all that intimidating. (very intensely) Please, will you let me do my card trick.

OLD WOMAN: (exhausted) Alright! Go ahead!

(Phil backs up and spreads out his deck of cards)

PHIL: Alright, I want you to p-

(Suddenly a gust of wind hits and blows away all of Phil's playing cards into the air)

PHIL: NOOO!

(Phil tries to catch them but they are gone)

OLD WOMAN: Ughh. (she walks away)

UNCLE CHAN: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh Dunphy, you are just making this too easy!

(Two female teenagers walk by Uncle Chan)

UNCLE CHAN: Girls!

(The teenagers stop and turn to Uncle Chan)

UNCLE CHAN: (rubbing his chin whiskers, speaking impressively) Which one of you…has had a pet pass away in the last year?

FEMALE TEEN 1: (startled) Oh my god, it was me, how did you know?

UNCLE CHAN: (twirling his hands around, a rabbit appeared out of nowhere) Oh, just a thought. Here you are dears. (handing the rabbit to them)

FEMALE TEEN 1: Oh my god thanks!

UNCLE CHAN: Dunphy you half rate charlatan, by the powers vested to me, I declare you THE LOSER of this Magic Duel!

(Uncle Chan starts laughing all the way back into his Ice Cream Emporium)

(Phil just stands there paralyzed)

LUKE: It's ok Dad. I won't tell anyone that this happened.

PHIL: Thanks son, but that won't stop the shame I will have to live with for the rest of my- (stopping short, Phil looks closely at the two teenagers who were sitting on a street bench a little further up the street)

(Phil walks up to the two girls)

PHIL: (intensely) Excuse me miss, but what is your name?

FEMALE TEEN 1: Sorry old man, but I don't give out my name to strange old guys.

PHIL: (shrewdly, speaks to the other girl now) I heard Miss Chan over here thinks your boyfriend is cute.

FEMALE TEEN 2: Oh my god! I knew it Christie!

PHIL: (triumphant) YESS! I KNEW IT! You ARE Christie Chan….. as in Uncle Chan's niece!

FEMALE TEEN 1: (terrified) Don't tell my uncle I told you!

(Phil marches down back to Uncle Chan's Ice Cream Emporium)

PHIL: Your days of evil doing are up Uncle Chan. I've discovered that that "random girl" out there wasn't so random! No. She was in fact Christie Chan, as in blood niece of Uncle Chan. And by the rules set forth by the ISM, "no blood relative shall be the recipient of a magician's tricks."

(A look of guilt and pride appeared on Uncle Chan's face)

PHIL: I thought you could sink no lower Uncle Chan.

(Phil slaps 30 dollars on the counter in front of him)

PHIL: I'll take a Hello Kitty Ice Cream cake and a truck load of Asian confetti.

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Music starts in the background playing classic cowboy spaghetti music from the movie "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." Scene shows Jay, Gloria, and Manny in a car stone faced driving to the birthday party at Phil's house. Scene jumps to showing Phil and Luke in a different car, also stone faced, driving to the birthday party. Scene jumps to showing Cameron, Mitchell, and Lily in a different car, stone faced, wearing cowboy outfits; Lily had a miniature orange pistol)

(The cowboy spaghetti music continues and Jay, Gloria, and Manny are the first to arrive as the camera shows their car pulling up into the driveway and then flashes forward to them leaving the car and them walking into the open door without saying a word)

(The music continues and Phil and Luke next arrive, with their car pulling into the driveway, them walking out of the car. The camera shows Phil with a stone cold look holding the huge Hello Kitty Ice Cream cake and Luke holding giant box of Asian confetti. They walk into the open door without saying a word)

(The music suddenly gets much louder. The camera shows a car pull in the parking lot WITHOUT showing who is inside. The camera shows three doors of the car opening and thee people exiting but doesn't show their faces, only their feet are visible and they are all cowboy boots. The car doors close. The camera follows the cowboy booted three people as they start walking down the driveway. A closeup shot goes to one of them showing a carried orange pistol. They walk through the door enter the Dunphy home. Suddenly there is a fierce closeup of the inside of the house's kitchen dining area.)

(Alex is sitting alone at the kitchen table that is completely covered with Asian confetti and the Hello Kitty Ice Cream cake is right in front of her. Claire and Haley are standing next to the refrigerator. Luke and Phil are standing next to the microwave. Gloria, Jay, and Manny are standing next to the oven.)

(Everyone stares at Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily with a mixture of animosity to Lily and confusion as to why they're dressed up as cowboys)

MITCHELL: (looking out at everyone, confused) Oh…..oh…(turning to Cameron, spoken quietly) I thought this was supposed to be a cowboy themed party?

ALEX: (loudly) Oh sorry Uncle Mitchell, I guess I misspoke. (not hiding her lying)

MITCHELL: Well alright, (looking put off) not sure how a person can MISSPEAK when SPECIFICALLY requesting us to wear matching cowboy boots and vests, (putting on a false smile) but ok. Happy Birthd- (interrupted)

ALEX: So...why doesn't everyone go greet the new guests that just came in?

(No one moves)

ALEX: Manny, Gloria, Jay…..why not you first?

(Manny, Gloria, and Jay don't move at first, but then Jay speaks up)

JAY: Ok…..ok, let's go say hello.

(Jay walks alone to Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily)

JAY: (very formally) Hello Mitchell. Hello Cameron. (screws up his face tying to hide contempt) Hello Lily.

(Lily nods her head at Jay and tips her cowboy hat at him. Jay walks back to the oven.)

(Gloria walks alone to Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily)

GLORIA: (with a big fake smile and thick loud accent) Hello Mitchell. Hello Cameron. (her eyes suddenly bulge out and she bares her teeth) Hello LILY.

(Lily bears her teeth at Gloria and tips her cowboy hat at her. Gloria walks back to the oven.)

(Manny walks alone to Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily)

MANNY: (confidently, calmly) Hey Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, Lily. Nice costumes guys. You know, I especially like your choice Lily. That combination of white cowboy hat and beige boots and vest really speaks to me.

LILY: You have no fashion sense. And you never have.

MANNY: (confidently, calmly) Ha. That's pretty funny Lily. It's nice to see you all. (waving)

(Manny walks back to the oven confidently, unaffected)

(As soon as Manny gets to the oven, he drops his head, and speaks)

MANNY: (to Gloria quietly) Please make an appointment with Dr. Goldberg. (pause) It looks like I'm going to have to resume my therapy sessions. (Manny then walks out of the kitchen)

JAY: (angrily to Gloria) DAMNIT, I thought we were finally past the whole therapy thing after his PEANUT PHOBIA!

(Camera stays on Jay and Gloria only. No one in the background can be seen or heard. The rest of the people are theoretically walking up to and greeting Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily)

GLORIA: (to Jay only, angrily) WE HAVE TO DO EHSOMETHING!

JAY: Well what are we supposed to do!? She's just a kid!

GLORIA: (intensely, to Jay only) In my villageee….. when a child disrespected an elder… (her eyes bulged, she spoke quietly) sometimes the child would just disappearrr (she flitted both her hands out extravagantly frittering her fingers showing the disappearance into thin air)…..and no one would ask any ehquestion.

JAY: (shocked and outraged) ARE YOU REALLY SUGGESTING WE KILL MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND DROP HER IN A DITCH?

(Camera stays on Phil and Luke only. No one in the background can be seen or heard. The rest of the people are theoretically walking up to and greeting Mitchell, Cameron, and Lily)

LUKE: What are we going to do Dad?

PHIL: I don't know buddy, but she's packing heat right now (camera pans to the orange pistol in Lily's hand), so I say when we go to greet them, we move in realllllll slow, distract her, and then g- (interrupted)

LUKE: I've got another idea. (Luke pulls out a small patch of garlic and a wooden stake)

PHIL: (Phil flips out, covers Luke with his body, and says fiercely while looking around for prying eyes) Where did you get my vampire destruction kit? (yells quietly) THAT IS NOT FOR KIDS.

LUKE: Step aside Dad. I think we both know what happens when you don't stop the queen before she grows her army.

PHIL: (in turmoil) I…. just….can'ttt…see any flaw in your logic. DAMN IT!

(From afar came a loud voice)

CAMERON: (yelling) OK. Everyone…..OK. I am sensing QUITE a bit of tension in this room. It SEEEMMSSSS…that some of you have a little bit of a problem with my little angel here Lily. Wellll…..I am here to tell you right now…..that there is no problem AT ALL with my precious Lily. No! No, the reality is folks….that the problem….lies with YOU! OK? (pointing at everyone)

(Pause)

LILY: (to Cameron) Your speaking voice is weird.

CAMERON: (turning his head looking traumatized) Ohhh. (he puts his hands over his face to cover the tears) How you hurt your daddy!

(From the refrigerator comes another loud voice)

HALEY: (nastily) What is your problem Lily! Why do you keep bullying everyone?

LUKE: Yeah. Stop being such a bully!

(The camera focuses on Lily as she looks onto everyone's hatred. Her bravado was looking like it was faltering. Finally, she drops hers orange pistol and puts her head down)

LILY: It was Alex's idea.

CLAIRE: Alex!

PHIL: Son of a biscuit eater, no way.

(INTERVIEW STARTS)

ALEX: (with attitude) Are you surprised?

(BACK TO PRESENT DAY)

GLORIA: (to Alex) What does she ehmean it was yourrrr ideaa?

ALEX: Well I didn't think there would be any harm in it.

JAY: No harm!? Just look at Manny!

(Manny was already back in the room)

JAY: Hey Manny, wanna go for some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches later?

MANNY: (suddenly clutching his heart) (Manny breathes out heavily from a panic attack)

CLAIRE: I don't understand. Alex, why did you tell Lily to act this way?

ALEX: Well, Lily came to me really upset because apparently all of you were making fun of her. She asked me how I deal with it when people make fun of me. I told her that if someone bullies you, well then you bully them back ten times worse….(long pause)….it's the only way you don't get hurt.

(Everyone started to stare at Lily)

CLAIRE: Lily, honey, is that true? Have you been bullying everyone because we were making fun of you?

(Lily started to nod her head)

(Cameron instantly jumped in front of Lily)

CAMERON: (severely) How DARE you all make fun of my precious little LILY. You should all be ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. And I think…that perhaps you all DESERVED the abuse Lily has been giving you!

LILY: (to Cameron) Daddy YOU made fun of me too!

CAMERON: (dramatically) Honey, SWEETY, I think you might be making a mistake. Daddy would never make fun of his little angel, ok? Now come give Daddy a hug (said quickly) and recant all your previous statements.

LILY: No! You made fun of me too, just like everyone else!

GLORIA: (confused and concerned) When? When did we make ehfun of you?

LILY: When we all went to the Karaoke bar. I recorded myself singing and then I heard this.

(Lily pulls out her iphone and presses play on a video)

PHONE AUDIO: (Lily's singing voice) "Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold it back anymore!..."

(Claire's voice) Wow. She was not built for singing.

(Cameron's voice) Oh god Mitchell, she is ruining a classic, please stop her.

(Mitchell's voice) Don't know if I want the rest of the bar to know she's ours.

(Phil's voice) Boy, I can see why she trapped herself in an ice fortress with a voice like that.

(Jay's voice) Probably because anyone who heard it would shatter into a million pieces! (barks laughter)

(Manny's voice) It's not so bad, you know, for a banshee!

(Luke's voice) Haha, nice one Manny.

(Haley's voice) Oh my god, I think her voice just cracked the screen on my iphone!

(Gloria's voice) Ayyyyyy, her singing voice is so ahnnoyingggg! Why does nobody tell her?

(Everyone froze in place and started looking guilty and staring at the floor or anywhere else besides at Lily)

MITCHELL: (breaking the silence) Well…..well it looks like we really were all to blame. (looks at the floor again)

JAY: (walking up to Lily) Look Lily, I know what you heard in that video must have sounded brutal, but you have to understand that WE'RE FAMILY. No matter how insulting your brother or father or cousin or whatever may be, THESE are the people that would walk across burning hot COALS FOR YOU. These are the people who would throw that little punk Tommy McDuff into a water fountain because he broke your little girl's heart, remember Claire?

CLAIRE: (affectionately) Thanks Dad.

JAY: And I know that to get insulted by the people you LOVE the most must also HURT the most. When I was a kid, me and my brother would goof on each other mercilessly, it's just what family doesss! You don't think your daddies make fun of me BEHIND MY BACK TO THE AUTOBODY MECHANIC PABLO EVERY TIME THEY BRING THEIR CAR IN (looking angry) (Cameron and Mitchell look guiltily to the side). This is just part of being in a family! Look at Gloria. She just became a part of our family and she gets made fun of behind her back all the time.

GLORIA: (fiercely) No. Nobody talks about me behind my back!

CLAIRE: (shaking her head, pursing her lips) No. Nope.

JAY: (getting down on his knee in front of Lily) So what do you say kid, ready to just "Let It Go" and be a part of this amazing family again?

LILY: (starting to smile, she runs into Jay's arms, hugs him and says) Ok, I forgive everyone.

JAY: (turning to Alex) And that goes for you too birthday girl! Come over and get in on this family hug.

ALEX: (coming over into the hug) Thanks grandpa.

(Everyone then comes in for the group hug)

JAY: Ok. How about we all stink up this place and sing that song, huh!?

EVERYONE: LET IT GO! LET IT GO! CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMOREEEEEEE!

(EPISODE ENDS)


End file.
